windblown

My daughter J was camping (well, indoor camping) with her Girl Guide group at the Royal Canadian Legion hall/house/thing in South Surrey/White Rock last weekend. It also happened to be a ferocious windstorm that knocked power out all over the lower mainland and other areas, though it missed us in Seattle. When I picked up the girls, I stopped to take a few pictures of the blustery sea.









The scene seemed to lend itself to black and white so I processed this one in black and white.

my daughter, myself

Lord knows I've probably blogged about this before. I know I think about it all the time. But this morning I sat through a criticism of my daughter's habits and all I kept thinking about was how it reflected on me. Yikes, that makes me sound utterly narcissistic, which wasn't really what was happening. I guess a better way of saying it is that being forced, or obliged, to view my daughter's flaws up close and personal only made me think that her flaws are also my flaws.

Now, this was an utterly well-intentioned circumstance. My daughter has started attending her gifted class, which is a real change in how she--and we--approach her schoolwork. It's a welcome change, but there's a rather steep learning curve involved. She's having a hard time getting organized and staying focussed. This is nothing new, but she is accustomed to coasting, being the person everyone around her asks for help with things. Now, she needs to be accountable for her own work, since all her classmates are working at the same level as she is, and they don't need her help the same way. Or they're making the same kinds of adjustments as she is.

That's all fine. Like I said, nothing new. But. The other part of the conversation was about communication and how she expresses herself. It's not something I've really addressed with her because, well, I guess I'm used to it. But her teacher, who is getting to know her for the first time, has drawn attention to it as an issue.

My lovely daughter has always been a very fluent communicator. She got language very early and she's always just gotten language. Her dad is a big talker and I guess I am too. She comes from a well-established line of external processors. But, she hasn't developed any filters yet. She will just blurt something out without any thought about how it might be construed by those around her.

An example. Even while we were talking about it, the three of us, this morning, I said something about a work habit that could be improved and she immediately made a rude sound and gesture. "There!" I said. "That's exactly what we mean. Was that helpful? Did it contribute to this discussion we're having?" Of course, the answer was no. I think she got the message.

But she was clearly emotional about being criticized like that, and as a result, I was too. I kept thinking the teacher was scrutinizing me, the interactions I was having with my daughter, and thinking "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I didn't like it. I know J needs to work on those things, but I guess I didn't think I did. I wonder now if I do. I know I've always been able to filter and make adjustments relatively easily, but I wonder if it will be so easy for her. I hope it will. I know I need to help her with it.

Observations about J's flaws inevitably shine a light on my own. My faith in my parenting abilities is never particularly strong: for better or for worse, I'm constantly worrying that I'm screwing up my kid. I suppose it's the cross all parents bear, but in this case, knowing others feel as I do doesn't make the burden any easier.

warehouse

I've always worked around books, and I love the smell of new books. It's not as evident in the bookstore or in the library, where the books quickly start to gather dust and that's an entirely different kind of smell. But for a time I worked in the warehouse of a publishing company and I received skids of books fresh from the printing house.

This week at the district resource centre where I work, the same thing is happening: books are being delivered, piled in boxes on skids wrapped in plastic. The smell of new paper and fresh glue oozes from the boxes, permeates the air and intoxicates. It transports me back to another time and another place.

technical

I had a conversation with my mom earlier. In the course of the conversation we were talking about computer stuff that neither of us really understands too well. So, wikipedia being my friend, I was able to get to the bottom of things. And I thought it was interesting enough to post here, for my faithful reader(s).

Here we go.

The conversation started with me telling my mom that I had alleviated (or I should say, my smart and patient boyfriend alleviated) my mounting frustration with the issues I was having with my wireless network, by suggesting I might need to update the firmware on my airport card (which I did, and which seems to have fixed the problem). She asked me what firmware actually was, and I really didn't know, but my non-techie brain led me to say that I thought it was not quite software and not quite hardware. Voila:

FIRMWARE: In computing, firmware is a computer program that is embedded in a hardware device, for example a microcontroller. It can also be provided on flash ROMs or as a binary image file that can be uploaded onto existing hardware by a user.

As its name suggests, firmware is somewhere between hardware and software. Like software, it is a computer program which is executed by a computer. But it is also an intimate and vital part of a piece of hardware, and has little meaning outside of that particular hardware.

This led to a conversation about how the "propeller heads" who worked with her on a project once tried to make her understand the difference between an application and a program. I told her I didn't think there was a difference: in my mind, "application" is just a different word for "program," the main difference being that an application is generally smaller than a program. I mean, I figured the point was much too fine for our non-techie brains to make. And so:

APPLICATION: Application software is a subclass of computer software that employs the capabilities of a computer directly to a task that the user wishes to perform. This should be contrasted with system software which is involved in integrating a computer's various capabilities, but typically does not directly apply them in the performance of tasks that benefit the user. In this context the term application refers to both the application software and its implementation.

PROGRAM: A computer program is a collection of instructions that describes a task, or set of tasks, to be carried out by a computer. More formally, it can be described as an expression of a computational method written in a computer language.

Computer programs, also known as software, may be categorized along functional lines. These functional categories include application software, operating systems, video games, and compilers, among others. Computer programs embedded in hardware devices are called firmware.

THUS, IT MAY BE CONCLUDED THAT: both firmware and applications are programs, but not all programs are applications or firmware. The terms are not exactly interchangeable. Enough to satisfy our civilian minds, and enough also to irk techies. Perhaps the analogy might be the interchange of "its" and "it's," which seems to be fine with people who do not work with words to the extent that we do, but which causes our blood pressure to rise quite noticeably.

venue vs vocation

Lately I have been wondering if I have chosen the correct vocation...or if I can chalk up my restlessness-bordering-on-dissatisfaction on a series of poor choices of venues in which to practice my chosen vocation. It seems a bit strange to me that I should exercise such poor foresight and judgment when it comes to ferreting out a good place to practice my trade.

I'm not sure I've ever been truly happy and satisfied in my work in the library world. Which is to say, the last 7 or 8 years of my working life, which, given my age, should probably have been some of my most satisfying and productive.

I started out working in a small special library, doing a variety of tasks. I enjoyed it, and the challenge and passion both lay in the fact that I knew very little about the topic in which the library specialized: namely, resources for childcare and early childhood education. Since my daughter was only a toddler at the time, the subject resonated very strongly with me and I found ways to keep myself interested even though the workload, once I found my footing, wasn't terribly heavy.

I moved after that into two part-time jobs. In one, I was doing mind-numbing data entry work on an endless retrospective conversion (recon) project. That was my entrance into the library system at UBC. My other job was providing PC support for library staff at the college where I received my library technician diploma. That was so dull that I spent a lot of time surfing the internet, and that's how I found out about online dating. So that job, while not particularly fulfilling, allowed me to enter the next phase of my social life, such as it was. But I eventually quit that one because although the data entry stuff at UBC was really dull, at least it kept my mind and fingers occupied for the duration of my shift. And there were other opportunities on campus, whereas the college library didn't offer much in the way of movement.

From the recon project I moved to another branch library, and found myself in yet another area of library work that had been unfamiliar to me up until then. I was working with serials, and I found the complexities maddening...and satisfying. However, despite having bursts of intensity in which I found myself working into and out of backlogs constantly, the job was often very slow and plodding. I stayed there for four years and it was the good relationships I developed with most of my coworkers that kept me there all that time. Finally, the politics and poor administration wore me down and I had to leave.

Now, I work in yet another new environment, in a brand new position, in a resource centre that operates like a library, whose patrons expect it to act like a library, but whose entire existence, until about a year ago, was in the hands of people who had never been trained to run a library. The quality of the records, materials and processes shows those years of neglect keenly, and I often find myself in a tailspin, knowing there is so much to be done, but not having the authority (and yes, I admit it, the skill) to deal with all of it.

So here I am, living in an unsatisfying situation yet again. I can't help but peruse whatever other options are available to me, though I feel kind of lame for not making a go of it here. I long for a job in which I feel on the verge of being overwhelmed every minute, because it is in that state in which I do my best work. When I'm in my current state: spending more time reading newspapers online, surfing random entertainment websites, and posting on my blog at work, than I do actually working, I feel ... heavy. Slow. Tired. Interestingly, I don't feel particularly guilty, because when I am working, I am putting everything I have into what I'm doing. And I have a very high standard, so the work I am doing is quality work.

However, this history, in which I have tested the waters in a variety of library environments, makes me suspect that, despite my passion for it, library work may not offer me the stimulation and capacity that I really need to have in my work. But if not this...then what?

boys and girls

This weekend is my daughter J's year-end showcase for CirKids, her circus arts program. It will mark the first time in the 3 years she's been in the program that my boyfriend will see a showcase, since until last year she was in a group that did their shows on Sundays, and he usually leaves too early on Sunday afternoons to stay for it. This year, however, she changed to a group that has its shows on Saturdays, so he'll be here for it.

My Ex will also be there, and possibly his "new" girlfriend as well, which should make things interesting. Ah, the joys of a fractured, patchwork family. Funnily enough, the Ex and I are pretty much at ease with these scenarios. We lived our history, we know what waters are flowing under that bridge. We're getting along pretty well at present, but we know what's done is done, and we've moved on.

Our current SO's, however, get kind of bent out of shape when they have to be in their opposite numbers' company. My boyfriend has never really said anything, but he kind of wears his heart on his sleeve so it's pretty easy to figure out what he's thinking. He has a similar reaction to my Ex as he has to my dad, who has behaved rather badly toward me over the years as well, which makes me think it's a protective thing. And so it's kind of cute. My Ex's girlfriend, he's told me, feels threatened by me, because he and I have an okay relationship. She has a very acrimonious relationship with her ex, so perhaps she has no frame of reference for a couple of exes who have learned to work things out.

It should be an interesting afternoon, anyway.

friends

Well. So I had a little bit of sadness this weekend and then I wanted to do this blog post, and the topic of it makes me a little sad sometimes so maybe I'll get to feeling sad over this since I've already been a little sad these days, albeit over something totally unrelated. Okay, enough with the preamble.

I don't know about you, but I don't have very many friends. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who have tons of friends and it only makes me feel like I have none. And this is mostly okay...I figure if it really was NOT okay, it wouldn't be so, since I'm not a troll, I'm reasonably sociable and I'm not an asshole. At least, I don't think I am. But, then I see things that make me start thinking (damn brain!) and I realize that having a very small circle of friends could actually be a detriment to me, particularly later in life.

Take this one, for example. My mom has a friend who's been going through the cancer thing. She had cancer and she had it treated. Then the cancer came back and she's had it treated again. Actually she's recovering from cancer surgery at the moment. And the thing about it is, she has this fabulous network of people around her. She's a person my mom has known for a long long time, worked with way back in the day, when I was a kid, and has remained part of my mom's circle for all that time. And my mom has always had that big circle, of women with kids and women without kids...just, friends. Who have now all drawn together in her hour of need, to help and support and just be there.

And I don't have that.

My sister has it. When the subject has come up, she tends to wave it off, like, "pish posh, I don't have that many friends." But the reality is, she does. She always has had a bigger circle than me. She's a more outgoing person than I am. She loves her quiet and solitude just as our mom and I do, but she also has the other thing. When she has a party, she has a guest list.

I don't have parties. I always think: who would I invite if I decided to have a party? Okay. Um, well, my mom, and my sister, and my daughter. My boyfriend, my friend Bella. My friend Fee that I barely ever see.

...

That's about it. Maybe some of my daughter's friends.

Is that enough? Is that enough friends for a person to have? The thing is, I've always had one close pal who was a real extrovert. Someone who attracted people and could do the work of initializing those relationships. Once I'm in them, I'm pretty good at maintaining them, so long as the people don't drift away, as they often seem to do. I was married for 10 years to someone like that, and while we were together we had tons of friends (over 60 of them came to our wedding). But they gradually fell away and when we eventually split up none of them, I discovered, were really mine. Well that's not entirely fair, since I do still talk to a couple people from that time now and then. But they're not people I see every week or even every month.

I see or hear about groups of women who get together and do stuff on a regular basis. They go out to dinner or cocktails. They go for walks or go to the gym. They take classes or do projects like quilting or cooking. They have book clubs. Why don't I have that? Don't I want that? Sometimes, I want that more than anything else in the whole world. I want people who will phone me up and ask me to go do things. I want people I can phone if I just need to talk about something. But I don't really have that. And I suppose, I don't really need it most of the time. Or else, if I felt that need so keenly all the time, I'd surely be like a crazy person walking down the street mumbling to herself, or I'd be locked up in my apartment with 50 cats or something. Wouldn't I?

I really don't have the answer. All I know is, it's something that preoccupies my mind fairly often. And somehow, I got through this post without getting really sad.