when did i stop hugging my mother?

I mean, I still hug her, like when we're greeting each other on special occasions or after not seeing each other for a while, and when we part after hanging out or whatever, but i can't remember when i last really snuggled with my mom.

I had a fight with my daughter this morning, and while we were both feeling upset and trying to work it out, my absolute gut instinct was to take her in my arms, to try to fit her onto my lap (where, at age 9, she really no longer fits), and to make her feel cozy and loved. Because of course, even though we were disagreeing, i still love her more than i love anything else in this world, and it breaks my heart when she feels upset - even moreso when what's upset her is something I've said or done.

And later I got to thinking about it, and I realized that even at that moment, when i was feeling really angry and frustrated with her, i wouldn't even consider keeping that gesture, that comfort from her. In fact, what would make me sad would be if (and when, because I do know it's coming) she rejected that gesture and kept her distance. I'm not overly physical in my expressions of intimacy I don't think, although when i'm walking down the street with J or with my boyfriend, i enjoy holding hands with her or wrapping my arms around him and tilting my head up for a kiss when we stop at corners. And when we're sitting around at home we're close physically. i guess it's my mom though...i don't have much physical intimacy with her beyond the perfunctory. maybe it's just the intellectual nature of our emotional connection...if that makes sense.

anyway, i guess I was thinking about the reasons why I don't snuggle with my mom any more, and maybe it is because it feels strange or awkward to do that, like maybe she wouldn't want me to be close to her physically. Or maybe it's just that we don't find ourselves in that situation very often. but this morning with my daughter made me realize that it's probably just a communication thing, or just a personality thing. I can't see a time when i will ever not want to snuggle my daughter, and i will always initiate that kind of familiar contact with her. At least until she becomes a teenager and spurns me, and then i can see myself backing off. which may well be what happened with my mom too.