The Void

In the past week or so I have lost a couple of items to The Void. The first was my chequebook, which I was mildly perturbed by but I figured it would turn up. Well it hasn't, and the second item I have now lost is a library book that is due on Wednesday.

Is there anything more frustrating than that?

Oh and it looks like this is my 100th post on my blog. A milestone! Yay!

change day

I have been very preoccupied lately by my impending move and its relationship with my half-assed job hunt. Part of what's bugging me about all this is the fact that I haven't hammered down the details of the move yet, and I can't really decide what I want to do about my job. And the fact that all of it is happening together is both annoying and inevitable. And it's been stressing me out a little, but today I woke up feeling different about it.

Basically I got to feeling The Change. No, not that change (although PMS most likely has something to do with today's mood). Every once in a while I just get antsy-pantsy. Life is dull, it needs a shake-up. I'm in a rut and I need to do something, anything, to change my trajectory.

I have a lot of opportunity for Change, at least as much as for No Change. I have a boyfriend who lives in another city, and that alone creates a whole universe of possibility. Possibility, you understand, must not be confused with probability. Whatever. It suits my Piscean nature to read through craigslist ads for not just my city but his, fantasizing about all the wonderful changes that are possible. New city, new house, new job, new friends, new activities, new places to shop and eat and play. It makes a girl just dizzy!

Luckily, I do have one foot on the ground at all times. My daughter is my anchor, and it is most unlikely that I would make that particular move simply out of fear that it would be far too disruptive to her. Not to mention that if I were to attempt to take the child away, my mother might just disown me. This, like the Change fantasies I weave, may simply be an illusion, but it is the reality I live every day.

So instead I get a bee up my butt about moving and changing jobs and joining book clubs and all that stuff, but on a much smaller scale. I think about moving, but not west of Main street. I think about a new job, but not outside my rarefied academic environment. I think about new involvements, but only within my comfort zone. Maybe instead of making a big move, to a new city or a new country (or both), I am doing a lot of little changes all at once, which add up to that bigger Change.

when is a positive a negative?

My faithful readers (all 3 of you) may recall that some months ago I talked about an exciting new job prospect. I prepared an application that got me an interview. I aced the interview but was ultimately passed over for the job because, despite my enthusiasm, my conviction that I could do the job, and my track record of success even in steep-learning-curve situations, there happened to be someone else with the perfect qualifications for the job, and that person was chosen over me.

I find myself in a similar situation now.

Some background. I have been working at my current location, an academic library, for the past 4+ years. I spent 3 years in a position that was fine, it was interesting and had a fair amount of variety to the work. I also had a measure of autonomy, since it was a small unit with a supervisor who lacks any kind of assertiveness. A year ago I was asked to fill a supervisor position in another department while that supervisor was on maternity leave. It's a totally different job but for the most part I've enjoyed it. I think I'm good at it, I've gotten good feedback from my higher-ups, and I've learned some good skills. I'm "movin on up," as they say.

But now, this position is coming to an end as my colleague's leave is nearly over and she's returning to work. I have no resentment about that: I knew going in that it would be temporary. Okay, I guess some part of me hoped that she wouldn't return, since she received her Masters of Library Studies in the interim and is now qualified for a professional position. I don't resent the fact that she didn't get her dream librarian job while she was on leave, but I'm now starting to feel a little disappointed about having to step back into an "old" job. Something about moving backward, even though I do enjoy the work I did in that position, I enjoy my coworkers, and other things also. The cons are: that feeling of moving backward after such a positive step forward, and the smaller paycheque is also going to suck, especially given other things that are going on in my life.

So, because of those mixed feelings, I've kept my eyes on the job postings here at my large academic institution, with the idea that I'll find an administrative job and keep my level of benefits and stuff intact. I have no illusions about moving up in the library system here: the higher level positions are few and far between, and becoming fewer as they are eliminated as people retire. But I'd like to stay here, not just because of the 8 years' seniority I've built up, but also because I like working here. To that end, I've applied for another nice-looking job that's not exactly in my sphere of recent experience, but that I'm sure I could enjoy and be good at.

And so lies my dilemma. I spent weeks, literally weeks, working up my application. I went through the posting in detail, addressing every point of the job description with comprehensive information about my work history and skill set. I got extensive help from my editor-mother, who is infinitely helpful, not just in steering and focusing me, but in encouraging and motivating me. And I sent the thing in, completely convinced that it was a kick-ass application and I was sure to get an interview. Even doing creative visualizations about getting the job (which has a significant pay hike) and not having to move out of the apartment I will soon be unable to afford.

Well, it's been nearly 2 weeks since the posting closed, and I haven't heard anything. I know in my current employment group, candidates who make it to the interview stage of a job posting are generally informed within a week of the posting closing. This new job is in a different employment group, the same one as the last one I (unsuccessfully) applied for actually, and I can't remember how long it was before I got the call about the interview. I have a vague memory that it might have been some weeks, but I can't seem to find the original posting even after extensive shuffling through the archives, so I can't put my mind at ease.

My ability to get fired up about something, to do all that creative visualization, to have all those positive thoughts, may be coming back to haunt me as I tumble down into a nasty crash again. When I failed to get that last job, which I thought would be perfect for me, I was bitterly disappointed. In fact I was pretty depressed about it for quite a long time. How do I stay positive without having to deal with that crash when it doesn't come through? Am I being truly positive if I'm looking ahead to a disappointment I see as inevitable? Is it like signing a pre-nuptial agreement, preparing for divorce before I even marry? Or am I just being practical?

What is more likely, since it is a very common pattern with me, is that I am totally overthinking this. I shouldn't worry about it either way. I should go with the flow, engage my zen, allow the universe to unfold as it will whether my mental state is positive or negative. Why can't I do that? Is it because on some level I believe my mental state does influence the outcome? Or because I'm just a control freak? Can I be positive and proactive without all those repercussions?