father issues

I haven't had a great relationship with my father since about 1983 or so. It comes and goes, mostly it's just kind of vague and indifferent. It's kind of bipolar actually, because there are times when I think my dad is a funny guy with a weird, interesting sense of humour, which comes from a keen sense of the irony of life.

Other times, he does things that piss me off so utterly, I really and truly don't care whether I ever see or hear from him again. Not because he is mean or malicious, but because he is so utterly clueless that I think he just doesn't care about the impact his words and actions have on those around him, and that isn't an acceptable way to be in my world.

Long ago, I stopped telling him important things that were happening in my life, controversial things, because he has no filters. He would just go ahead and tell my conservative grandmother, for example, without thinking for a minute Hm, does she really need to know that? Which has made for some awkward situations that really didn't need to be awkward at all. He still doesn't know the real reason my marriage broke up, for example, because nobody else in my family needs to know that, and if they did, it would be my choice whether to tell them. And telling him not to say anything doesn't work.

His "new" wife is someone who is pretty tough to take. Okay that's the diplomatic expression for she's a total fucking psycho. And she's not really that new I guess, since they just celebrated their 11th anniversary. This is a woman who has managed to antagonize nearly every member of my dad's family, including my sister, who Wifey refused to speak to for like 3 years because of some imagined snub. And who went on to accuse my sister of being grasping and materialistic, maintaining a relationship with our father only because she needed money from him. A totally baseless accusation, since my sister never asked our father for money, because she needed that hassle less than she needed money. I asked him for money all the time, but I was spared the flak because I had a child. And yet, this person also gets on my dad's case all the time about how she doesn't feel like she's involved enough with his family.

My father has seen fit to side with her over us in these matters. I can understand it somewhat, since she has the ability to fuck with his head, make him feel like shit, and bend over backward to accommodate all her crap, and he has to see her every day. He can blow my sister and me off because he sees us maybe once a year, if that. I'm not saying this is acceptable. Just that that's how it probably is.

Because of this, I have these kinds of conversations with my dad from time to time. The other night he called me, we chatted for a while and I was feeling okay about the conversation. Then, just as I was trying to get off the phone and get dinner on the table, he springs this on me: "It would be really nice if you could take the time to acknowledge our wedding anniversary. It would mean a lot to Wifey." I'm like _________ !! I mean wtf. Their anniversary is for THEM. The whole point of an anniversary is to remember the reason why you decided to get married and reconstruct the closeness, romance, and intimacy that you (hopefully) felt during and as a result of your wedding. It's not about other people, it's about you and your significant other.

This really fucking pissed me off. And it turns out my sister had the same Talk and she was really fucking pissed off too. Her therapist told her she should ignore it. My boyfriend said the same thing to me. And yet we both squared our shoulders and bought cards, even though we were completely livid over the whole thing. That tells you so much about us, and our relationships with our family members, it's kind of scary.

The holidays are coming up, and I'm feeling the same way I felt last year. I want to ignore my dad and his wife and pretend they don't exist. Last year, I went so far as to travel to the state, and even to the city where they live, and I didn't even tell them. And I didn't feel guilty about it. And I feel like that again.

vocation

I am all for finding the work that satisfies your soul, and then doing it. I work in libraries and I feel it was the work I was born to do. I recently went through a crisis because I realized that as perfect as library work is for me, most library jobs will not pay the rent. That made me really sad, and I started thinking about general administrative work, because what is library work except a specific application of the general principles of administration? Anyway, that crisis was averted when I recently managed to land a job that allows me to support myself and my daughter.

Recently, I discovered that a former friend of mine has started her own business. She has become a Life Coach. This struck me as funny (both funny ha-ha and funny ironic), because the reason she is my former friend rather than my present friend is that she seemed to have difficulty being my friend, needing rather to be my coach. We were close at a time when I was very vulnerable and lonely and eagerly welcomed her attention and ministrations. When I started feeling better about myself and began asserting my own desires and making my own choices, which often didn't align with what she thought was best for me, our friendship faded. I haven't missed it.

I forget how I found out about her new vocation, but it was from a funny source. Someone I knew said something like, "I know someone you know" and it turned out a friend of this friend had engaged my former friend as her Life Coach. In an idle moment, I googled my former friend and sure enough, there was her website, describing the services she offers in a nauseatingly new-age kind of way.

I know lots of people make bad decisions, even sometimes ones that might have been avoided if they'd had some guidance. I'm glad those people seek out someone who can help steer them away from bad choices and toward good ones. I hope that in her chosen vocation my former friend coaches from a place of true caring, rather than a need to be in control of the choices of others and a feeling that she can make better choices than others. Perhaps she is a better coach than she was a friend.

new job

I have started a new job. I entered into this change voluntarily and happily, but I'm not sure how good it is so far.

I feel myself digging in my heels on a bunch of things - admin mostly, things like requirements for joining the union, filling out time cards etc., stuff that I never really had to think about at my old job. Never thought I'd miss the university bureaucracy! Or maybe I'm just forgetting the challenges of adapting to a new system - I was at my old job for 8 years after all, and it's been a long time since my first week there.

The situation here is this: this is a processing and distribution centre for a municipal school district. Books and media materials are received here and individual teachers can order them and have them shipped out. A few months ago, the longtime staff of 4 women, all of them library professionals, ended up retiring literally on the same day. Which left the place kind of rudderless. Since that time, 2 support staff - clerks, really, with no formal training in library processes - have been running the place. It's unclear who here has the knowledge to train me to do my job, and even less clear who is my actual supervisor, since the supervisor position seems to be the last one they are filling. In fact, it's a bit unclear what my job actually is.

I am an extremely high-capacity worker. I can handle a large volume of work and it doesn't panic me or cause me to become frozen or stressed out. In fact, I have more or a "bring it on!" mentality, and for me, when it comes to work, more is better. I become more focused and efficient the more work I have to do. I suppose that makes me a true multitasker.

However, I do need some initial direction, and I definitely need context. Library work is very relational: everything seems to affect every other thing, so it's important to get each thing right. You can't operate in a vacuum. I haven't had a really comprehensive introduction to the way this place works, the relationships between the two units (mine, and the one next to mine, where my apparent interim supervisor works), or even my own day-to-day responsibility spectrum, which, on my 3rd day here, has resulted in a little bit of anxiety.

Luckily, I am a fiddler, a natural gamer, and I can usually feel my way through these kinds of situations (example: it took me about 3 hours yesterday to figure out, using a library software package I'd never touched or seen until the previous day, how to run labels for videotapes. One of the clerks told me it took several people a whole day when the system was first introduced. People who had formal training in the product). So I know I'll be all right.

big picture

So, I used to be a voracious journal-writer. I mean, I have books and books of angst-ridden memoir from my youth, which I look on periodically and value greatly as an insight into my developing mind and spirit. I think writing, particularly chronicling your life as you live it, is an invaluable tool for learning and understanding your own psyche.

And it's not like my mind is any less filled with anxieties and concerns and delights than it was back when I was a teenager. I'm in my mid-30s now and I have a lot of shit going on. To wit:

1) A 9-year-old daughter who is starting to go through some of the stuff that prompted me to write so madly in my youth. I am very involved in her life and I have a lot to say about it, a lot to observe, a lot of comparisons and contrasts to make.

2) A relationship with my daughter's father that ebbs and flows as a source of anxiety, anger and doubt in my life. From which I undoubtedly carry much baggage that continues to affect my decisions, my family life and logistics, my very self-esteem to this day, although that relationship ended nearly 7 years ago.

3) A 3-year-and-counting long-distance relationship that fills me with joy and has secured my well-being in a way I wasn't sure would be possible again, and also tickles the edges of any regrets I might harbour about decisions I've made in my life. Yes, that is somewhat cryptic.

4) A financial situation, at times quite dire, that has been a source of stress for some time, which has prompted a months-long search for a new job, one that will give me a sense of ambition fulfillment as well as a paycheque that will give me and my daughter a greater comfort level. A search, incidentally, that has recently been successful, and elicits some emotional responses that I didn't figure on when my search began.

5) Miscellaneous other stuff: relationships with family members, ambitions and plans, observations about life and how it all fits together.

Like I said, there's a lot of shit there. Maybe I'll blog in a bit more depth about each of these things as a way of reinvigorating my writing life over the next little while. Perhaps the onset of winter will dampen that energy somewhat, but I think I'll feel better if I try to get back to writing.