father issues
I haven't had a great relationship with my father since about 1983 or so. It comes and goes, mostly it's just kind of vague and indifferent. It's kind of bipolar actually, because there are times when I think my dad is a funny guy with a weird, interesting sense of humour, which comes from a keen sense of the irony of life.
Other times, he does things that piss me off so utterly, I really and truly don't care whether I ever see or hear from him again. Not because he is mean or malicious, but because he is so utterly clueless that I think he just doesn't care about the impact his words and actions have on those around him, and that isn't an acceptable way to be in my world.
Long ago, I stopped telling him important things that were happening in my life, controversial things, because he has no filters. He would just go ahead and tell my conservative grandmother, for example, without thinking for a minute Hm, does she really need to know that? Which has made for some awkward situations that really didn't need to be awkward at all. He still doesn't know the real reason my marriage broke up, for example, because nobody else in my family needs to know that, and if they did, it would be my choice whether to tell them. And telling him not to say anything doesn't work.
His "new" wife is someone who is pretty tough to take. Okay that's the diplomatic expression for she's a total fucking psycho. And she's not really that new I guess, since they just celebrated their 11th anniversary. This is a woman who has managed to antagonize nearly every member of my dad's family, including my sister, who Wifey refused to speak to for like 3 years because of some imagined snub. And who went on to accuse my sister of being grasping and materialistic, maintaining a relationship with our father only because she needed money from him. A totally baseless accusation, since my sister never asked our father for money, because she needed that hassle less than she needed money. I asked him for money all the time, but I was spared the flak because I had a child. And yet, this person also gets on my dad's case all the time about how she doesn't feel like she's involved enough with his family.
My father has seen fit to side with her over us in these matters. I can understand it somewhat, since she has the ability to fuck with his head, make him feel like shit, and bend over backward to accommodate all her crap, and he has to see her every day. He can blow my sister and me off because he sees us maybe once a year, if that. I'm not saying this is acceptable. Just that that's how it probably is.
Because of this, I have these kinds of conversations with my dad from time to time. The other night he called me, we chatted for a while and I was feeling okay about the conversation. Then, just as I was trying to get off the phone and get dinner on the table, he springs this on me: "It would be really nice if you could take the time to acknowledge our wedding anniversary. It would mean a lot to Wifey." I'm like _________ !! I mean wtf. Their anniversary is for THEM. The whole point of an anniversary is to remember the reason why you decided to get married and reconstruct the closeness, romance, and intimacy that you (hopefully) felt during and as a result of your wedding. It's not about other people, it's about you and your significant other.
This really fucking pissed me off. And it turns out my sister had the same Talk and she was really fucking pissed off too. Her therapist told her she should ignore it. My boyfriend said the same thing to me. And yet we both squared our shoulders and bought cards, even though we were completely livid over the whole thing. That tells you so much about us, and our relationships with our family members, it's kind of scary.
The holidays are coming up, and I'm feeling the same way I felt last year. I want to ignore my dad and his wife and pretend they don't exist. Last year, I went so far as to travel to the state, and even to the city where they live, and I didn't even tell them. And I didn't feel guilty about it. And I feel like that again.
Other times, he does things that piss me off so utterly, I really and truly don't care whether I ever see or hear from him again. Not because he is mean or malicious, but because he is so utterly clueless that I think he just doesn't care about the impact his words and actions have on those around him, and that isn't an acceptable way to be in my world.
Long ago, I stopped telling him important things that were happening in my life, controversial things, because he has no filters. He would just go ahead and tell my conservative grandmother, for example, without thinking for a minute Hm, does she really need to know that? Which has made for some awkward situations that really didn't need to be awkward at all. He still doesn't know the real reason my marriage broke up, for example, because nobody else in my family needs to know that, and if they did, it would be my choice whether to tell them. And telling him not to say anything doesn't work.
His "new" wife is someone who is pretty tough to take. Okay that's the diplomatic expression for she's a total fucking psycho. And she's not really that new I guess, since they just celebrated their 11th anniversary. This is a woman who has managed to antagonize nearly every member of my dad's family, including my sister, who Wifey refused to speak to for like 3 years because of some imagined snub. And who went on to accuse my sister of being grasping and materialistic, maintaining a relationship with our father only because she needed money from him. A totally baseless accusation, since my sister never asked our father for money, because she needed that hassle less than she needed money. I asked him for money all the time, but I was spared the flak because I had a child. And yet, this person also gets on my dad's case all the time about how she doesn't feel like she's involved enough with his family.
My father has seen fit to side with her over us in these matters. I can understand it somewhat, since she has the ability to fuck with his head, make him feel like shit, and bend over backward to accommodate all her crap, and he has to see her every day. He can blow my sister and me off because he sees us maybe once a year, if that. I'm not saying this is acceptable. Just that that's how it probably is.
Because of this, I have these kinds of conversations with my dad from time to time. The other night he called me, we chatted for a while and I was feeling okay about the conversation. Then, just as I was trying to get off the phone and get dinner on the table, he springs this on me: "It would be really nice if you could take the time to acknowledge our wedding anniversary. It would mean a lot to Wifey." I'm like _________ !! I mean wtf. Their anniversary is for THEM. The whole point of an anniversary is to remember the reason why you decided to get married and reconstruct the closeness, romance, and intimacy that you (hopefully) felt during and as a result of your wedding. It's not about other people, it's about you and your significant other.
This really fucking pissed me off. And it turns out my sister had the same Talk and she was really fucking pissed off too. Her therapist told her she should ignore it. My boyfriend said the same thing to me. And yet we both squared our shoulders and bought cards, even though we were completely livid over the whole thing. That tells you so much about us, and our relationships with our family members, it's kind of scary.
The holidays are coming up, and I'm feeling the same way I felt last year. I want to ignore my dad and his wife and pretend they don't exist. Last year, I went so far as to travel to the state, and even to the city where they live, and I didn't even tell them. And I didn't feel guilty about it. And I feel like that again.
posted by infobabe | 10:23 a.m.
2 Comments:
I lurve it when you post to your blog!
I'm probably a bad person to comment on the whole anniversary remembrance thing since I can hardly get it together to acknowledge a wedding let alone the anniversary...
I lurve it when you read and leave a comment!!!
Well, my point is that whether you acknowledge it or blow it off or forget or whatever, it's YOUR business and that's all.
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