control freak
Sometimes I wonder if I am a control freak. I do have my moments, where I like things to be JUST SO, and if they are not JUST SO I get kind of itchy and squirmy and feeling like I can't function unless I charge in and rearrange everything so that it works the way I want it to work. But, isn't everyone like that, to some extent? Don't we all want our worlds to be ordered a certain way, and don't we all get a bit nonplussed when things get turned upside-down or even get jarred a little bit? Isn't that normal human behaviour?
I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships, particularly relationships between men and women. And lately I've thought a lot about men, women and control. I have a lot of conversations about this topic with my boyfriend, who believes quite strongly that women control men, and that men shouldn't have to take that. He and I concur that people shouldn't stay in relationships that are unbalanced in some way, although he is relatively inexperienced with relationships, so to him it seems a simple thing to extricate oneself from an unsatisfactory relationship, whereas I have quite a bit more experience, including being in a long-term relationship that should have been over long before it was, and I know it is no simple thing to get out of that situation.
Both of us have been exposed to lots of different relationships. His parents are still married after over 30 years. My parents divorced after 6 or 7 years, although both of my parents are currently in relationships that have lasted over a decade. We both have a few friends in our peer groups who have stable marriages and children, and I know a number of single moms, some of whom are in relationships and others who aren't. He has several friends who have a history of bad relationships, or who are currently in bad relationships, and he ascribes his friends' unhappiness often with their wives or girlfriends, who become needy, manipulative and controlling. And I can't write it off because I've seen it with my own eyes. And then, this morning in my email, I saw this:
And maybe I'm overreacting, but that comic, that comment by that woman, just sums up everything I think is wrong with relationships between women and men.
Is that woman saying that because she's afraid her man will be injured when he engages in a risky activity? I don't think so. It sure looks to me like she's saying that just to exert some kind of control over him. "I don't want to do that and I think it's a dumb thing to do so you can't do it." Well, I think that's bullshit. So your man wants to jump off a cliff and you don't. What's the big deal? Go let him jump. I'm going to guess you want to join a reading group or knit or watch a chick flick, all activities that will make your man roll his eyes and reach for a beer or a wrench or his balls or some other manly comfort. Or else you'll force him to go with you, under threat of ... what? What exactly is the threat? You'll break up with him? Lady, I don't think he'll mind, if your idea of fun is dragging him along while you shop for shoes.
Is this a real thing? Is it fear? Anger? Do we feel such a lack of control over our own selves and our own lives that we feel the need to exert that kind of control over our men? Is it the fact that Women's Lib has instilled us with a sense of entitlement that overshadows our desire to be in a compatible, loving relationship with a man who shares our interests and world view yet who respects our desire to have our own interests, and whose interests we support in turn? Is it just a perception by men that women want to have that kind of control?
As you can see, I really don't have any answers. I do have a lot of frustration, because I think it is a natural thing in youth to try and control our environment, since so much about our lives is out of our control, and adolescence is nothing if not a precarious balance between wanting to be independent and wanting to hold on to that care our parents have always given us. It is also a natural progression for people to realize at some point that the only person we have the power to control is ourselves, and we have the power to get into happy and fulfilling relationships, and get out of relationships that are unsatisfying or even damaging, without making ridiculous demands on our lovers.
My boyfriend tells me that I am the exception that proves the rule, because rather than trying to change him or control the things he does, I look for the things in his life that are new or strange to me, and I try to learn and grow as he shares them with me. I hope I have something like this to offer him too. By doing this, we increase the pool of commonalities, be they activities or world views or philosophies, that strengthens and nurtures our relationship. I wish all people, both men and women, could live their lives this way.
I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships, particularly relationships between men and women. And lately I've thought a lot about men, women and control. I have a lot of conversations about this topic with my boyfriend, who believes quite strongly that women control men, and that men shouldn't have to take that. He and I concur that people shouldn't stay in relationships that are unbalanced in some way, although he is relatively inexperienced with relationships, so to him it seems a simple thing to extricate oneself from an unsatisfactory relationship, whereas I have quite a bit more experience, including being in a long-term relationship that should have been over long before it was, and I know it is no simple thing to get out of that situation.
Both of us have been exposed to lots of different relationships. His parents are still married after over 30 years. My parents divorced after 6 or 7 years, although both of my parents are currently in relationships that have lasted over a decade. We both have a few friends in our peer groups who have stable marriages and children, and I know a number of single moms, some of whom are in relationships and others who aren't. He has several friends who have a history of bad relationships, or who are currently in bad relationships, and he ascribes his friends' unhappiness often with their wives or girlfriends, who become needy, manipulative and controlling. And I can't write it off because I've seen it with my own eyes. And then, this morning in my email, I saw this:
And maybe I'm overreacting, but that comic, that comment by that woman, just sums up everything I think is wrong with relationships between women and men.
Is that woman saying that because she's afraid her man will be injured when he engages in a risky activity? I don't think so. It sure looks to me like she's saying that just to exert some kind of control over him. "I don't want to do that and I think it's a dumb thing to do so you can't do it." Well, I think that's bullshit. So your man wants to jump off a cliff and you don't. What's the big deal? Go let him jump. I'm going to guess you want to join a reading group or knit or watch a chick flick, all activities that will make your man roll his eyes and reach for a beer or a wrench or his balls or some other manly comfort. Or else you'll force him to go with you, under threat of ... what? What exactly is the threat? You'll break up with him? Lady, I don't think he'll mind, if your idea of fun is dragging him along while you shop for shoes.
Is this a real thing? Is it fear? Anger? Do we feel such a lack of control over our own selves and our own lives that we feel the need to exert that kind of control over our men? Is it the fact that Women's Lib has instilled us with a sense of entitlement that overshadows our desire to be in a compatible, loving relationship with a man who shares our interests and world view yet who respects our desire to have our own interests, and whose interests we support in turn? Is it just a perception by men that women want to have that kind of control?
As you can see, I really don't have any answers. I do have a lot of frustration, because I think it is a natural thing in youth to try and control our environment, since so much about our lives is out of our control, and adolescence is nothing if not a precarious balance between wanting to be independent and wanting to hold on to that care our parents have always given us. It is also a natural progression for people to realize at some point that the only person we have the power to control is ourselves, and we have the power to get into happy and fulfilling relationships, and get out of relationships that are unsatisfying or even damaging, without making ridiculous demands on our lovers.
My boyfriend tells me that I am the exception that proves the rule, because rather than trying to change him or control the things he does, I look for the things in his life that are new or strange to me, and I try to learn and grow as he shares them with me. I hope I have something like this to offer him too. By doing this, we increase the pool of commonalities, be they activities or world views or philosophies, that strengthens and nurtures our relationship. I wish all people, both men and women, could live their lives this way.
posted by infobabe | 11:16 a.m.
3 Comments:
See, it's funny you mention this. I got into a very nasty battle online recently because I made the mistake of defending erotica as a means of expression on a feminism forum. Stupid, huh? Anyway, I got flamed all to hell. That smell you're noticing is my eyebrows.
I think the control thing works both ways. I consider myself a staunch feminist, but hate being made to feel like a sexist pig just because I'm male. All the same, my wife and I constantly struggle to improve our own marriage. We each have our own needs and wants, and a good relationship tries to reconcile those two paradigms.
We're two different social structures, two different styles of thinking, but the important thing is that we're all human. We need order. We need routine. And we need contact.
freeman, thanks. I posted on yours.
asada, well, i guess if i got shirty about that, i'd be shooting myself in the foot now, wouldn't i!!
Info,
No, thank you :) I appreciated the comments, and small world, I've actually been looking for a copy of "Self-Made Man" for a few months now. Heard it was excellent. Anyway, thanks for visiting, and I look forward to reading your blog in the future!
Freeman
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