learning...before my very eyes

so last night, as i do every monday evening, before i went home from work, I went to the CirKids arena to pick up J. At first when she signed up for Cirkids, I was seeing her participation there as an additional opportunity for me to have some time to myself, maybe attempt to go swimming or work out at some gym or something. Instead, I've found myself coming in late to work on Mondays so I can volunteer at her school library, then stopping at the grocery store on the way home and then heading over to the arena. The fact is, I love watching her, and the other kids too, at CirKids.

first of all I find it fascinating, watching all these kids, ranging in age from about 7 to about 15, using their bodies in fun and creative ways. The atmosphere is not coercive...in fact I was worried that she wasn't actually getting enough guidance at first. But she really enjoys herself. All the kids do, that's really obvious.

there are several stations:

Movement (or Motions, as J calls it) is everything from basic ballet moves to choreographed dance routines. It's obvious to me, the adult observer, that these movements are done for basic muscle strength, control, and balance. J finds it very difficult. The older kids are working on a Thriller routine which is a total gas to watch.

Unicycle: pretty straightforward. I was worried about this on J's behalf, since she's not much of a cyclist. I don't think this is a physical difficulty though, since she has reported improvement in uni. She has felt coerced into cycling, and she really doesn't enjoy it. I wondered whether proficiency on a bicycle would correlate to proficiency in uni, but it doesn't seem to. She likes unicycle.

Juggling: also a difficult skill. I never learned it, though I never had any concentrated training either. I think it's one of those things that she'll eventually get if she works at it.

Tightwire: this is one of those skills that fascinates me. I think it's all about centre of gravity, and focus. Oh, and balance of course :) She seems to enjoy it, and my heart swells with pride when she lets go of the coach's hand for a few seconds, then kneels down and swings herself off the wire to the mat.

Trapeze: since J's favourite activity on the playground is hanging and swinging from the bars, I knew this would be one of her favourite stations in CirKids. And she really is like a little monkey, sure of hands and feet, her fingers and toes curling comfortably around the bar. Her face and voice are filled with joy when she's working out trapeze routines.

Tumbling: flipping, somersaulting, cartwheels, all that fun stuff. J is very confident in her physical abilities so it's a lot of fun to watch her...although I've never managed to see her at this station. She always seems to hit it before I get there.

Trampoline: what inspired this post was watching her on tramp last night. I was feeling a little anxious because she didn't seem too comfortable on the trampoline. Oh yes, she will bounce and bounce and bounce away happily, but as for doing even simple tricks, she didn't seem to really have it. Until last night, she achieved a "swivel hip," which is a seat bounce-turn around-seat bounce, without putting the feet down in between. She had a lot of trouble with it, but then there, right in front of my eyes, she did it successfully for the first time. The sight made laughter bubble to my lips. She looked over at me and gave me a thumbs-up, the most ecstatic expression on her face. It was one of those moments of pure parental joy.

I think this is one of the most worthwhile activities I could have possibly found for her.

downwind of lunch

what is ruder:

unpacking, preparing, and eating your lunch at your desk, which is in the middle of a common space that contains several workstations, where your colleagues are working, or,

telling your coworker who has unpacked and prepared and is now eating her lunch at her desk, the next desk over from yours, that the smell of her lunch is making you sick to your stomach?

fun fun fun

one of the words i often use to describe myself, whenever i have to write some kind of profile, is "playful." sometimes I get kind of down (see previous post) or distracted or irritated, but generally i'm a pretty happy person and I like to have fun. I have a serious life, serious job, serious issues and all that shit, but sometimes I just need to get silly. it's always been just integrated into my personality, but I think it appears incongruous at times, to the outside observer.

it's not just the desire to have fun, the way adults have fun. How do adults have fun, exactly? Going out for meals or drinks or coffee, doing activities like biking or hiking or canoeing...what? what else? taking classes in knitting or life drawing? that stuff isn't really what i mean when I talk about having fun in a playful way. What I mean by playing is more how kids play. You know, teasing (not in a mean way) or wrestling or making faces or talking in funny accents or trying to talk with your mouth stuffed full of saltines...jumping up and down for no reason at all, making paper airplanes or launching plastic parachute men off the balcony. stuff that gets its own momentum so that by the time you're caught up in it you're collapsed in a heap of giggles...then you shrug it off and go down to the corner store and get a popsicle.

I think this part of me predates parenthood, although I'm sure the fact that i spend a large amount of time with a child probably has served to let it come out more than it would otherwise. I don't really feel the need to keep that bubbly energy trapped inside, the way i might if I didn't have a kid around all the time. sometimes farts make me snicker.

Sex is fun. I think -- hell, I know, from first-hand experience -- that nothing kills a sex life faster than always being serious about it every minute. The human body is fun and it's funny. It looks funny sometimes. If we can't laugh at ourselves and our own bodies, then it's very easy to get hung up on our imperfections and start feeling bad about ourselves. I'm very happy to sit and make out, serious as a heart attack, for hours and hours, but then i like to get up from the couch and skip to the bedroom wearing a smile (and nothing else, if possible).

don't get me wrong. i like to have fun in sophisticated ways too. Getting dressed up and wearing makeup and fancy shoes, sitting in upscale restaurants talking about art or politics or fashion. Or sitting down with a bunch of parents and talking about our kids, our schools, our neighbourhoods. For me, those things can be fun too. And in all honesty, i really try to bring as much lightness to those freakishly adult moments as possible. Like I said before, I'm a serious person with a serious life, but I know the value of humour, and I think almost any situation can bear an infusion of fun when it's introduced at the appropriate moment.

but really, almost nothing beats a good game of hopscotch and a gumball from a gumball machine.

I don't know whether I will post much for a while

because the more blogs I read, the more I realize that everyone in the whole wide world is more interesting than me.

I think this feeling will pass but for now that's where my head is at.

if you have examples of blogs that are more boring than mine, please share. thankyou.

people are dumb

and when i'm done laughing at them, it makes me kind of sad. I don't understand why people have to be dumb, when it's really so easy to become UNdumb. Pay attention. Read some books. THINK about things. Is it really so hard???

even here at the university, bastion of intellect and learning as it is, I see dumb behaviour all around me all the time. I don't get it.

10 things. No caveat.

1. I'm not sure I can come up with 10 things.

2. I am absolutely terrible at making decisions. I hate doing it and avoid it whenever possible.

3. I am a process person, a planner. I enjoy preparing for events more than I tend to enjoy the events themselves.

4. My back is sore again and I haven't decided whether it's more unpleasant to attempt to deal with the pain by returning to the exercises that the physio gave me, in a "heal thyself" manoeuvre, or to go back to the physio and admit I wasn't doing the exercises.

5. When my daughter was an infant, I had moments where I seriously doubted I was cut out for motherhood. Having an infant in my attention constantly was extremely draining on my emotional energy and I still think I barely made it out alive.

6. Despite the above litany of self criticism and observations about my shortcomings, I am an essentially happy person. I think I have a good life and I don't have much to complain about.

7. I kill plants. I have a black thumb and they just die when they enter my presence. I once killed a Jade plant, and everyone will tell you that they are the safest plants to have, because they are virtually unkillable. Hah.

8. I have been to Israel twice, and other than that I have never left the North American continent. Nor do I have any particular wish to. I'm not an adventurer and I'd rather go to an interesting city and walk around and stay in a nice hotel and eat in restaurants on the beaten path than go trekking in the jungles of South America or Thailand or France. Oh, but I'd like to go to London sometime.

9. I have a killer instinct for spelling and grammar. Bordering on obsessive. But you probably already knew that because I bet I've corrected your spelling or grammar at least once :)

10. see? I didn't make it to ten.

i do not know who is reading this.

some people seem to get strangers posting on their blogs. I got strangers posting on my blog! I do not know how this happens. People just read random blogs?? I don't even have time to read and comment on blogs of people I know. How do strangers know I read their blogs? I mean if I post comments yeah, obviously. But if I just browse it? Hmm. The mysteries of blogger, which some helpful reader will undoubtedly untangle for me. If anyone is reading this.

my life is complete since i heard this

from Bompa's blog. It's an audio thing. Under the post title "interesting words" click the "click here to listen" link.

http://www.geist.com/phototaxis/index.php?id=12

ageing indifference

okay so i was reading Arethusa's blog and noticed I was thinking about age, age differences, and ageing. Yes, all these thoughts crowded into my already overstuffed brain at once and this, THIS my friends, is the resulting explosment. Bear with the chaos that follows.

I have never dated someone my age. Not for very long anyway. I tried to date guys my age during the 2-year period (rapidly fading into memory now) when I was actively dating any guy who would respond to my profile on the dating sites. I actually kind of liked a few of them, but that's another blog entry. The point is, I don't seem to have success with men who are the same age as me, whatever age that may be.

My first long-term boyfriend when I was a teenager was 5 years older than me. He was that much older in years, but during the course of our 3-year relationship I rapidly left him behind, until I had to break up with him or kill myself. Luckily, I chose the former option.

My next long-term boyfriend (actually a rebound, technically, since I started pursuing him before I'd even officially broken up with the other one) lasted 2+ years, though it was of the off-and-on variety, and partly long-distance. He was almost 3 years older than me. At age 17, I suppose that's kind of a noticeable difference.

The next relationship (omg also a rebound!!) was my Ex. I think after 10 years and a resounding, definitive breakup, he merits a capital E, as none of the others have. He is almost 7 years older than me, and anyone who knows the history there can tell you, he is an emotional cripple, practically infantile in certain fundamental aspects of his character. To the point where people who know me hear the story and go, "how could you have even been with that guy???" because my 20/20 hindsight shows that it's really quite unbelievable. I guess I try to shrug it off and say Well, I was 19 when we got together and we had a lot of good years together in which we had a lot of fun and he didn't really start to regress until a few years before we broke up.... yeah yeah. Excuses, excuses. He was proportionately mature when we got together but I matured more quickly than he did as the years passed.

I'm noticing a pattern here.

~!!CRACK!!~
then the pattern broke. Again, resoundingly. I hooked up with a guy who is younger than me. The same amount younger than me as my Ex is older than me, actually: 6 years. At age 34, is that such a notable difference in age? The fact that my boyfriend hasn't even reached 30? Is it weird? I've loved my 30s so far, I've embraced them. I want everyone to be in their 30s.

It sounds like a cliche, but "I don't understand the young people today." Troof. Sick. My boyfriend does not fall into this category, having passed the magical age of 26 (thank god), and having accomplished more in his 28 years than many people do in a lifetime. But I work at a university and so I'm constantly surrounded by people aged 18-24, and unless they're abnormally mature, they pretty much baffle me. My first reaction, when I find myself in conversation with them, is generally discomfort, and I often look at them and wonder how close their mannerisms and mental states are to how mine were at that age. I hope, and fear, that they are not so different.

The internet is a great equalizer in some ways. I see people all around me every day who remind me of what Arethusa, and maybe a couple others I am familiar with from my online forays, might be like in person. And I wonder if these youngsters go home at night and read interesting books and listen to interesting musics and poke around in interesting online communities, interacting privately, secretly, with people like me.