home for the holidays

it's funny, but even though I've never lived in Milwaukee, I think of it as "home." Not all the time, just when I'm about to go there for a family visit. I always think to myself, "I'm going home for a visit," even though home is here and never has been anywhere else.

Home is where the heart is? I have the greatest amount of love and affection for this place and these people, not that place and those people. I love them like family, but they also drive me crazy. But I love them.

When I do go to Milwaukee for a visit, I roll my eyes and complain about my family, how their values are so different from mine, how they talk over you and never listen to you, and all the other little things about them that bug me. But, when it comes down to it, they are my people.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm in a bit of a jam, and while I feel reluctant to ask for help unless things get really really dire, even from the people who I know will help me, who help me without me even having to ask, I know that if I had no other recourse, my family would help me. At least, I think so. I've never asked, so I really don't know. I just believe that, despite their little annoying quirks, they are my family, and they are good people, and they would help me if I needed it and if they could.

But, they are more my last resort than my first one. Aside from family visits pretty much every year when we were kids, my sister and I were always a bit apart from the family. Over the past ten years I might have only made half a dozen visits there. And yet, everything remains the same and I feel comfortable stepping into that world just as if I were part of it every day. It's like a part of me, usually dormant, awakens when I'm in the presence of my family.

life is hard

well, right now it seems to be. I wonder if complaining about it makes it seem easier, or if it just serves to rub my face in the hardness even more.

anyways, I don't have anything positive or witty or insightful to write about, but I did want to mention how much of a trial life is seeming like at the moment.

And also to put in writing the reminder that I am not alone, a fact that I seem to need to be reminded of pretty much daily. Maybe I should make that the banner on my cell phone.

coworker from HELL

I guess I'm focusing a lot on what's going on at work, simply because the rest of my life is pretty harmonious I guess. This is a good thing, but we as humans are inclined to dwell on things that bug us, so here is another post about my coworker from hell.

I have always found it difficult to understand anyone who would or could spend 8 hours a day in a place and not have any social contact with the people you interact with all day long. Maybe because I don't have a lot of social interaction OUTSIDE work, but I actually like (most of) my coworkers and enjoy talking to them. This one person I work with simply does not talk to any of us, unless she has to, about work.

So we're in the midst of planning our holiday social events, and we've decided to have a little nosh/gift exchange dealie near Xmas, which we did last year also and which was actually quite fun. S and I were musing as to WHY it was so much fun, given the level of office discord, and we realized it was because CFH was on leave last year at Xmas. So the discord level was way way down. But, we all enjoy the holidays and we all enjoy each other (aside from this one person), so we decided to engineer it again.

Last week we had a cake break in the office to say farewell to one of our number, who was leaving us to get married and begin a new career. We hadn't had a social event since the summer, so it had been a while. We all gathered in the back office to chat and eat cake, and CFH just stayed at her desk and ignored us all. Later, the woman who was leaving, asked me if it was always like that and I said yes, it was. Don't take it personally. She seemed as incredulous as I at CFH's extreme unwillingness to engage with us.

Today, CFH approached S and requested that, if we were planning to have a Xmas celebration, to do so on a day when she was going to be off (ie. flex day or planned vacation day), because she "didn't want to have to take another sick day" to avoid our celebration. WTF?????????????? I really just don't get it. It makes me sad. We were sort of planning to do that anyway, since we're all kind of tired of trying to include her, but for her to actually REQUEST to be excluded, that just seems so wrong to me.

holy shit my work is dysfunctional.

so when I started working here like 2.5 years ago the place had a couple of quirks. The main one that I faced every day was the extreme hatred between 2 of my coworkers, which predated me by at least a year, was spawned by a simple misunderstanding and has been perpetuated by general personality clash and stubborn pride on both parts. I get along very well with one of the women involved, and not at all well with the other (see the post "downwind of lunch"), but the feud is by now so ingrained that it has become part of the office culture. These 2 people never EVER speak, and this is an open office with common space and equipment. They have learned to work around each other, and luckily their duties do not overlap at all. Sometimes I wonder at our bland acceptance of this unacceptable situation.

Lately, the quirkiness has accelerated into what I can now classify as full-blown dysfunction. There has been a lot of staff movement over the past year or so. First, the woman I do NOT get along with, who also happens to be my backup for when I'm on vacation (and vice-versa) went away on an extended leave. Another person from the library stepped in to fulfill her duties during her absence, since his job is kind of seasonal and doesn't keep him busy all the time. That was fine, he seemed fairly competent, although there were a few gaps and errors that occurred, which I chalked up to sloppily executed training of inadequate length.

The woman returned to her job and was NOT happy with how it was done in her absence. She proceeded to stop talking to the guy who was filling in for her. Which was fine, because his regular job didn't have much overlap with hers.

Six months later, another woman went on leave, and it was arranged that this same guy (who still didn't have enough to do) would step into HER position during her absence. Unfortunately, his motivation and abilities seem to have severely deteriorated over the past several months, and he spends most of his time reading gaming forums with his headphones on, and his work is shoddy or left undone. People are always cleaning up after him.

Meanwhile, underlying all this is the complete lack of leadership in the library. There is a head librarian who has been "temporarily" promoted at the head office. Speculation abounds that she is in line for a permanent promotion, and will likely leave. Instead of hiring an acting head, the management temporarily promoted another librarian, who has worked here for many years but who did not WANT to be the head, and is not an effective leader. The supervisor in my department was likewise thrust into her position, by virtue of her job classification and seniority, although she lacks assertiveness and communication skills, and her sphere of authority has never been outlined clearly.

In the near future, the one effective supervisor, in a completely different department, will be going on maternity leave. It remains to be seen whether someone from this branch will be slotted in to fulfill her duties during her absence, or whether they'll bring someone in from outside. Obviously, given the history here, the management prefers to fill leave replacements internally. The only person from this branch who could do her job...is me. There are others who have more seniority and at least equal knowledge of the operations of the various departments, one or two who have the capacity to learn new duties quickly, retain the information and build on it. However, with the aforementioned communication problems, there is nobody else who actually possesses those qualities who also is speaking to everyone else in the library.

Sometimes it drives me crazy to come to a workplace every day where so many interpersonal problems exist. Maybe I'm too lazy or too something else to allow it to bug me too much, day to day, but sometimes I want to tear my hair out at the tension and the seemingly insurmountable conflict. Other times I just want to laugh with the ridiculousness of it all. I mean, we are ADULTS! I see my 7-year-old daughter having more mature relationships with her friends and colleagues than some of the people I work with. I find myself dwelling on the time, sometime in the future, when the people who do not "play well with others" just finally decide that they've had enough, and leave. Or I fantasize about the time, sometime in the future, when I decide I have had enough, and leave.

there's just not that much going on.

except for the usual stuff that keeps me busy day to day. Here is what my typical week looks like, beginning with Monday because everyone (except, apparently, people who make calendars) knows that Monday is the first day of the week. Except for if you're jewish then it starts on Sunday night. Whatever.

Oh, by the way, the list doesn't include things like drop J off at school, feed J, put J to bed, or things like go to work or chat to CA online, since they happen pretty much every day.

Monday:Volunteer 1 hour in school library. Work till 6pm. Go grocery shopping. Meet J at CirKids.

Tuesday:Work till 5. Pick up J. Evening activities: clean hamster cage and/or bathe child and/or some other home-based project. Sometimes PAC meetings.

Wednesday:NIGHT OFF! Fun or functional shopping after work, dinner out with or without friends, veg out in front of crap tv all night.

Thursday:Kidless morning. Aaaaah. Brownie night. Rush through evening feeding ritual, take J to Brownies, do some small errands if necessary or go home and be domestic for an hour.

Friday:3 choices: a) pack up J and me for our weekend travels; b) frantically tidy house for weekend visitor; c) regular morning if it's a rare weekend at home alone together.

Saturday:Chill. Shop. Relax. If it's a good weekend, me and CA are hanging out or me and J are hanging out. Or hell, I'm hanging out.

Sunday:Relax as much as possible, then kick back into gear. Bathe child if possible, try to prepare some food that includes leftovers to make Monday morning as smooth as possible. Laundry!

So there you have it. Now everyone knows how interesting my life is.

halloween 2004 - the full effect 

lil unicorn 

eek! smoky pumpkin!