Molehills, not mountains.

i've never been a drama queen. I think honestly, i'm too damn lazy to get worked up over things. Don't get me wrong, I have my passions and I take things to heart...hell, I probably take things to heart more often than I should in the grand scheme of things. But I don't tend to act out. I pull my grievances in instead of projecting them outward.

If you've read my recent posts, you know that I've been in kind of a slump lately. Things just haven't seemed to be going my way, and I suppose part of it is my own fault, since I find myself goofing off instead of doing homework, spending money foolishly instead of socking it away for a rainy day, feeling sorry for myself for the things I lack in my life rather than feeling happy for the things I do have. I'm not going to do something silly like make some grand pronouncement about how it all ends here and now, because I'm nothing if not realistic, and I bear the burden of self-knowledge.

I went to the dentist last night to have a filling, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself over that. Not because I feel put-upon about my dental hygiene, just about the procedure itself. I have a needle phobia so having the shot pretty much made me cry. The dentist asked me if I was okay while he was injecting me and I said "Unh uh" in that way you do when your mouth is being jacked open by fingers and dental instruments. It felt good to say No when he asked me that question, instead of lying and saying "oh yeah, this is just dandy" or the open-mouthed equivalent.

As I sat alone in the chair, waiting for the shot to take effect, I started to become filled with the "why-me's" again, and I realized, a little freezing really isn't much to get depressed over. I'm not a fan of comparing my own problems with the greater problems of the world, like war, famine, natural disasters, and the people whose lives are shattered by those types of things. Of course, my little woes don't compare, but that fact doesn't really make me feel any better when my self-esteem is in the toilet and I have 14 cents in the bank until payday, a week away. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, exactly. I guess my point is mostly that I feel entitled to my woes, but I don't want them to take over or be the central focus of my life. It's exhausting to be down all the time.

So, even though I have all these little things that have piled up on me simultaneously to create what feels like a mountain of stress, I'm not going to moan or bitch or whine about them any more. I want to let myself feel them but I want to try and think positively. I don't want to fling myself down and pound the floor with my fists and scream and cry. I also don't want to do the thing I usually do, which is to plant my head firmly in the clouds and daydream myself out of my present dilemmas. I want to try and keep my feet on the floor and my eyes on the prize. Life is just more fun that way.