cool blog add-ons!

this guy: http://babelmachine.blogspot.com/ has a couple of neat things on his blog! The tag-board thing is neat and so is the Flickr picture board thingy!

Reality OD!

Okay so I seem to be a person who resists trends for a long time but then falls headlong into them. Not all trends, just some of them. Like, the Harry Potter books were like that: when I was taking a children's services course everyone was reading HP but I was so not interested. Then one day I just said "what the hell" and decided to read one. Luckily I started with the first one because I didn't read anything else until all 4 (there were only 4 then) were done. Oh and I didn't DO much of anything else either, while I was reading them, because that's all I wanted to do.

So the same thing has happened with Reality TV. Mostly, I seriously HATE reality tv. It's all bogus and dumb and "reality tv" is about the biggest misnomer of our time. BUT. Wednesday night happens to be the night I am kidless, and if I don't have any hot dates with any of my many, many friends (haha), then I usually hunker down in front of the tv. This week I particularly had no desire to rise from the sofa for an extended period of time.

At 8pm I watched the first episode of the new season of "America's Next Top Model," the show designed to either make women feel better or worse about their looks, I haven't decided yet. I watched it out of curiousity, but unfortunately I watched the first episode of the season which means I'm going to have to watch the rest of it. DOH!

At 9pm I watched the first episode of the new season of "The Bachelor," the show that got me interested in reality tv. I accidentally got addicted to it about 2 seasons ago -- oh yeah and I've watched "The Bachelorette" too, which is actually more interesting I think. I'd rather see a woman dealing with a bunch of men who love her (or at least, wanna do her), than a man dealing with all the bimbettes boo-hooing over how he's the love of their lives after 10 minutes in the hot tub. Actually that's a lie. I'm a sucker for all of it.

So then there's "The Apprentice" which wasn't on on Wednesday night but which I started watching at the beginning of this season also. And now I'm hooked on that one too, though the business or "job" shows are less interesting to me than the relationship shows, maybe because they're sorta more realistic. At least, I never will be Donald Trump or Tyra Banks, but I suppose I could be Jane Shmo on the Bachelorette. Well not really but you know what I mean. I've had relationships but I've never been a model or an entrepreneur.

I think reality shows are the new soap operas. I wonder if there's a correlation between the decline of soaps and the rise of reality tv. Or whether the popularity of reality tv is actually serving to keep soaps afloat (so to speak), since it sort of lends legitimacy to a genre of tv whose main objective is to depict absurdly over-the-top emotional interactions, set in slightly out-of-reach settings like boardrooms and mansions.

Really, I watch very little tv, and since the networks aren't making money on the shit shows they're producing, there's more and more reality stuff on. It might be a passing fancy but it's here for a while at least. Personally I think it's only a matter of time before Joey finds his way onto a reality show. Now that I'd watch :D

how can I get $150,000

I think that sum of money would put me in a place where I could fix some of the things in my life that make me unhappy now. In no particular order:

1) I could get out of debt
2) I could buy myself a new, energy-efficient car that I wouldn't have to worry about every time I start or stop it
3) I could put a down-payment on a home for J and me, big enough that my mortgage would be manageable
4) I could go to school and get the degree I need to remain in my chosen field and advance my level of challenge and responsibility

basically what that says is that I would be happier if I had more money. I hate to say it and it sounds shallow and petty but it's true. There, I admitted it. I'm broke and debt-ridden and I hate it and it's affecting my self-esteem and I don't know how to get out of it.

"you think of everything, mom!"

My daughter was on the toilet this morning and observed, "the toilet paper is almost empty!" I indicated the new roll on the back of the toilet, ready to be loaded when the old one runs out. She looked around and said, "you think of everything mom!" and I kind of chuckled and demurred, saying "no, not really," thinking of all the things I've blown in my life. "I do the things I can do though," I said, which (I allowed myself this tiny pat on the back) is true.

And that got me thinking of all the things I manage. I guess I manage a lot of things, mostly around my household and family. I doubt I'd be able to handle the comings and goings of more members than just me and my daughter, but I think I do all right for the two of us. Sometimes my active mind drives me crazy, always thinking, thinking, thinking, whether I like it or not. I can't brush my teeth without looking around and noticing that the toothpaste is almost empty, the sink needs to be scrubbed, and I could attach a hook to the wall to hang my hair dryer on so it doesn't clutter up the basin counter. Not to mention the toilet paper roll is almost empty. I can't sit down and turn on the tv without thinking of all the things I could - and should - be doing with that space of time instead of watching The Apprentice.

And I can't think of doing things for myself without thinking of what I'll be depriving my daughter of by doing it. I mentioned in my last entry that I'm considering a yoga class. And I'm considering some more formal fitness regime to try and get rid of these extra inches that have been plaguing me. There are several factors that stop me from getting on this new regime. The first, as I mentioned in the last entry, is my "fuddy-duddy" thanks, Bella inclination to be worried and anxious about trying new things. This is all in my head but my biggest challenge to surmount. The second is time, since as a single parent I can't just cut out and go for a jog or head to the gym anytime I want. This is becoming alleviated more and more each year, since the kid is starting to get her own interests and I don't need to be hanging over her shoulder every minute. The third is money. Since the Ex from Hell has been less than useless this summer and will be for some time to come, the finances are extremely tight, to the point where I have to choose between things to buy and do for J, and things to buy and do for K. Can't have both. And as a mother, maybe as a mother who "thinks of everything," I want everything for her. I feel like I can do without.

Is that an excuse? A justification? A way to shrink away from my anxiety about marching myself into a gym or a yoga class, to put it off a little longer? The Bella on my shoulder says fuckin A, that's exactly what's going on there. If I really wanted both, I'd find a way to do both. Right? But there's something else, the pragmatic, or possibly fearful, or possibly proud (probably all three) mothervoice, telling me that No, what I want is for my daughter to have everything. Absolutely everything she could want or need, and if it means I don't get to take a few inches off for a few more years, then that's the way it should be.

Maybe "thinking of everything" isn't such a good thing all the time.

Yoga

I've never done yoga, although I've always been somewhat curious about it. One of my best friends is a yoga fanatic, but she's also a much more spiritual person than I am, in some ways. I guess I'm always trying to think of ways to improve my physical fitness, and yoga is supposed to be good not only for the body, but also for the mind and spirit. What could be bad? I suppose I'm naturally disinclined to do anything that is massively trendy, and yoga culture in Vancouver is at least as prevalent as coffee culture or hiking/biking culture. Can't swing a cat in this town without hitting a yogic caffeinated cyclist.

I got an email today about a staff/faculty yoga class that happens to be available on campus at a time I could actually do it. It's fairly inexpensive, about $5 per class altogether, and convenient, since I could get some dinner on campus and then go to the class and then go home afterwards.

My irrational fear of trying new things is stopping me, when deep down inside I know I should grab this opportunity and just go for it. I wonder why I feel so reluctant to do it. I wonder if I will.

Back to school!

Okay so I'm a couple days late with this. This is day 3 of back to school. However it hasn't really started yet and day 1 was sort of a write-off. Anyways.

So back to school is always a fun, exciting time for me. There have been very few years in my life, since I was 5 years old, when I did not partake of some kind of back to school ritual. I have been a student almost constantly throughout my life, with fewer than 15 of my 34 years having been academically enhanced. Then, 4 years ago my daughter entered the system ... and I have worked in academic institutions for about 7 years, so I've been peripherally involved with the whole thing from that aspect also.

Without a doubt, buying supplies is the BEST part of going back to school. Pens, pencils, pencil boxes, binders, and BOOKS. Although lately I've been much more pragmatic with my purchases, and I feel quite resentful buying new books since they are ridiculously expensive. I bought my 2 textbooks online at 1/3 of what they would have cost me at the UBC Bookstore. And J gets most of her stuff at school still...probably by next year she'll be more involved with choosing which supplies she'll use all year, but for now she still passively accepts what is given to her, for the most part (except for the cool Crayola erasable pencil crayons this year).

I have mixed feelings about the return of students to the university. It's a huge campus but it gets very sleepy over the summer. April 30, the students just disappear, and September 7, they magically reappear, flocking and hording all over the once-peaceful grounds and facilities. Commuting sucks (well, not as badly as in previous years), parking sucks (ditto), lineups at all the food establishments and pinball machines. And yet, as someone pointed out to me on the forum when I was bitching about it last year, without them, I wouldn't have a job. Yeah, thanks a lot. I moan about it, but I do enjoy the increased energy. I like being surrounded by thinking people, and even though the young people seem stranger and stranger to me every year, ultimately they're all there to think. So bring it on!

current puzzle 

puzzling

I am a puzzler. I didn't do puzzles for a long time, I don't know why, but I seem to be back into it. Well, I shouldn't say I never did puzzles, I just didn't always do jigsaws. I do crosswords and jigsaws, and jigsaws are a bigger commitment because you need a space to do them, with good light and a setup so you don't get a sore neck.

since we never seem to use the kitchen table for eating, I've set it up as a puzzle space. I find puzzling meditative, relaxing. I'm good at it too.

After midnight

I had a hard time getting to sleep, mostly because of some activity that was going on down the block with a couple of diesel engine trucks. One of them was a tow truck which eventually towed away a car. The other was some flatbed truck full of junk that rattled around as the truck manoeuvred into the driveway of the house from which the car had been towed.

The diesel engines growled and rattled for nearly an hour down the street. I'm sensitive to undercurrents of noise, so I tossed and turned, and got up from my bed several times to peek out the windows and see what was going on. Even after the trucks left or quieted, I kept hearing phantom engine noise. Grr.

too many journals

I enjoy posting on the blog but I'm worried it will take away from my already-suffering regular journal that I (supposedly) write in weekly. :sigh:

Everything old is new again

Today a former co-worker who left about a year and a half ago has returned to the fold. He worked here for a year then he took off to Montreal to go to Law school. First he spent the summer touring Europe with his fiancee.

They moved to Montreal together, bought an apartment, and settled in to domestic student bliss. Then she was struck by a car and killed. That was in March. He decided he couldn't carry on in Montreal so he sold the apartment and came back here. The library happened to have an opening and he was hired to fill it.

What do you say in that situation? "Welcome back"? Going back to a former job, former life, former path is tough enough, never mind having to deal with that set of circumstances. I feel sympathy for him but I don't know what to say. The tragedy occurred when he was away from here so although he outlined the situation to my coworker, who was and will be his supervisor, it's not common knowledge. When I greeted him this morning I found myself being overly cheerful but I couldn't turn it off. I wonder if it seemed forced to him. I really was glad to see him, as he's a sweet, charming person.

The whole thing makes me sad though :(