"you think of everything, mom!"

My daughter was on the toilet this morning and observed, "the toilet paper is almost empty!" I indicated the new roll on the back of the toilet, ready to be loaded when the old one runs out. She looked around and said, "you think of everything mom!" and I kind of chuckled and demurred, saying "no, not really," thinking of all the things I've blown in my life. "I do the things I can do though," I said, which (I allowed myself this tiny pat on the back) is true.

And that got me thinking of all the things I manage. I guess I manage a lot of things, mostly around my household and family. I doubt I'd be able to handle the comings and goings of more members than just me and my daughter, but I think I do all right for the two of us. Sometimes my active mind drives me crazy, always thinking, thinking, thinking, whether I like it or not. I can't brush my teeth without looking around and noticing that the toothpaste is almost empty, the sink needs to be scrubbed, and I could attach a hook to the wall to hang my hair dryer on so it doesn't clutter up the basin counter. Not to mention the toilet paper roll is almost empty. I can't sit down and turn on the tv without thinking of all the things I could - and should - be doing with that space of time instead of watching The Apprentice.

And I can't think of doing things for myself without thinking of what I'll be depriving my daughter of by doing it. I mentioned in my last entry that I'm considering a yoga class. And I'm considering some more formal fitness regime to try and get rid of these extra inches that have been plaguing me. There are several factors that stop me from getting on this new regime. The first, as I mentioned in the last entry, is my "fuddy-duddy" thanks, Bella inclination to be worried and anxious about trying new things. This is all in my head but my biggest challenge to surmount. The second is time, since as a single parent I can't just cut out and go for a jog or head to the gym anytime I want. This is becoming alleviated more and more each year, since the kid is starting to get her own interests and I don't need to be hanging over her shoulder every minute. The third is money. Since the Ex from Hell has been less than useless this summer and will be for some time to come, the finances are extremely tight, to the point where I have to choose between things to buy and do for J, and things to buy and do for K. Can't have both. And as a mother, maybe as a mother who "thinks of everything," I want everything for her. I feel like I can do without.

Is that an excuse? A justification? A way to shrink away from my anxiety about marching myself into a gym or a yoga class, to put it off a little longer? The Bella on my shoulder says fuckin A, that's exactly what's going on there. If I really wanted both, I'd find a way to do both. Right? But there's something else, the pragmatic, or possibly fearful, or possibly proud (probably all three) mothervoice, telling me that No, what I want is for my daughter to have everything. Absolutely everything she could want or need, and if it means I don't get to take a few inches off for a few more years, then that's the way it should be.

Maybe "thinking of everything" isn't such a good thing all the time.