parenting is paradox
in a theme that has recurred throughout my career as a parent, i have felt a disturbance in the Force all day. I am preparing (mentally, at this point - the physical preparations won't begin until later tonight) to send my daughter to her father and his family for their Christmas celebrations. This will include a visit with her uncle, aunt, cousins and grandmother at the uncle's place, and her dad will join them on Friday. As this event approaches, I am spinning as usual between keen anticipation of a short break from my parenting duties, and acute melancholy at being bereft of my child for such a long time. It is 3 nights.
I wonder whether I will have the same experience next week, when not only will I be absent from my child, but I will also be away, hanging out with my boyfriend. I wonder if, this time around, the anxiety I feel about her being away from me is made worse by the fact that she will be in largely unfamiliar surroundings. She has visited with her uncle and aunt before, and she will undoubtedly have big fun with her cousins, but she has never stayed with them for that long before, and her dad will not be there for the first part. I will be at home, puttering around, doing the last few preparations for our family Christmas, and enjoying a couple of evenings to myself with no responsibilities beyond my own needs. I will be thinking about her. Next week I'll be escaping with my sweetie, having even my own needs seen to by him, and taking care of him in return, so perhaps I won't feel it so keenly.
No matter what the circumstances, I feel an absence from my girl with a mixture of relief and sadness. My mother tells me that this feeling will never go away, and this weekend I witnessed another mother feeling and showing both pride at her grown son's independence and accomplishment, and a kind of grief at the distance that now lies between them, and the resulting diminished contact. I don't think any of us realizes the depth and breadth of emotion that we sign on for when we leap into this thing called parenting. I wouldn't give it up for anything.
I wonder whether I will have the same experience next week, when not only will I be absent from my child, but I will also be away, hanging out with my boyfriend. I wonder if, this time around, the anxiety I feel about her being away from me is made worse by the fact that she will be in largely unfamiliar surroundings. She has visited with her uncle and aunt before, and she will undoubtedly have big fun with her cousins, but she has never stayed with them for that long before, and her dad will not be there for the first part. I will be at home, puttering around, doing the last few preparations for our family Christmas, and enjoying a couple of evenings to myself with no responsibilities beyond my own needs. I will be thinking about her. Next week I'll be escaping with my sweetie, having even my own needs seen to by him, and taking care of him in return, so perhaps I won't feel it so keenly.
No matter what the circumstances, I feel an absence from my girl with a mixture of relief and sadness. My mother tells me that this feeling will never go away, and this weekend I witnessed another mother feeling and showing both pride at her grown son's independence and accomplishment, and a kind of grief at the distance that now lies between them, and the resulting diminished contact. I don't think any of us realizes the depth and breadth of emotion that we sign on for when we leap into this thing called parenting. I wouldn't give it up for anything.
posted by infobabe | 2:00 p.m.
1 Comments:
while I know its hard, its actually good for both of you. she gets to try her hand at growing a little and so do you. don't sweat it. have fun. it will go by in a blur for her. For you a little longer
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