fathers.
i suppose there has been a lot of research done about fathers, their role in our lives, the way their role has changed in families etc etc. I'm here to ponder and contemplate as to whether the art of fathering has gone to shit, whether it never was worthy of being called an art, or whether all my bitterness is in my head.
i've lately had some um, unsatisfactory dealings with my father. i suppose that my relationship with him has never been that great, particularly since i was about 14, started hanging out with boys and other bad kids, and basically gave the one-finger salute to my father, who was (and is) a terrible communicator and if he had a problem with how I was conducting my life, didn't know how to tell me. so yeah, from about that age i lived with my mom full-time (they split when i was about 7) and saw my dad kinda sometimes. he never seemed to mind or care that my sister and i weren't really hanging around with him any more.
when i was 19 he moved away and for about the next 6 years or so i had a continual, nagging guilt at the back of my brain (sometimes at the front) that i failed to take good care of my dad, and now he was off trying to take care of himself and feeling terrible that he must be so lonely and sad all the time. of course this wasn't true and even if it was, it wasn't my problem. it is not a 20-something year-old girl's job to create a comfort zone for her own father. it is not any child's job to be responsible for a parent who is healthy and sane and fully capable of caring for his or her own physical and emotional self. however, it is a parent's job to be responsible for his or her child for the duration of that child's life or until the parent is physically or mentally incapable of doing so. this is something i am more and more sure of the older i get and the longer i am a parent.
the thing is, it seems like every woman i talk to, every woman i know, has a shitty history with fathers, whether they are their own fathers or the fathers of their children. okay not every woman but an alarming number of them. fathers who took off. fathers who fucked up. fathers who said they were going to do things and didn't. fathers who said they never would do things, and then did. fathers who became fathers and then seemed to lose interest in being fathers and just decided to stop doing that job. the problem is, being a parent is like being alive. once you are it, you don't stop being it as long as your child is still on the planet. however, lots of men seem to have missed that message.
so what's the deal with my father? well. without going into details, the long and short of it is that he made a promise to me about 9 months ago. about 5 months ago i acted on that promise, which seemed to be taking forever to be fulfilled and which i really needed to have fulfilled. at the same time, i reminded him that the promise had been made and told him i was going to act on it. about 2 weeks ago i reminded him that the promise had been made, i acted on it, and for the past 5 months i have been struggling to deal with the difficult situation i got myself into, thinking i'd have help getting out of it, since the help never materialized. tonight i received a response to my reminder. it was another promise of help, bracketed by on the one side, a reminder to me that i could have been more supportive during a time of difficulty in his life, and on the other side, an offer of professional advice about how to deal with the situation i find myself in, which i wouldn't have been in if he'd followed through with his original promise.
so. i have a passive-aggressive, unavailable father who doesn't know how to have a relationship with me and who fails to take responsibility for his role in that relationship. another man in my life, one whose role and relationship couldn't be more different, has shown me some real support and sympathy for my plight, and for the difficult job i face, extracting myself completely from this bad relationship with my father. but i told him, removing myself from my father's life won't actually be that hard, since at the best of times, our lives merely brush each other in passing. but even in writing this, i have a knot of sadness in my chest, realizing that i will miss having a father. i have always missed it.
the end.
i've lately had some um, unsatisfactory dealings with my father. i suppose that my relationship with him has never been that great, particularly since i was about 14, started hanging out with boys and other bad kids, and basically gave the one-finger salute to my father, who was (and is) a terrible communicator and if he had a problem with how I was conducting my life, didn't know how to tell me. so yeah, from about that age i lived with my mom full-time (they split when i was about 7) and saw my dad kinda sometimes. he never seemed to mind or care that my sister and i weren't really hanging around with him any more.
when i was 19 he moved away and for about the next 6 years or so i had a continual, nagging guilt at the back of my brain (sometimes at the front) that i failed to take good care of my dad, and now he was off trying to take care of himself and feeling terrible that he must be so lonely and sad all the time. of course this wasn't true and even if it was, it wasn't my problem. it is not a 20-something year-old girl's job to create a comfort zone for her own father. it is not any child's job to be responsible for a parent who is healthy and sane and fully capable of caring for his or her own physical and emotional self. however, it is a parent's job to be responsible for his or her child for the duration of that child's life or until the parent is physically or mentally incapable of doing so. this is something i am more and more sure of the older i get and the longer i am a parent.
the thing is, it seems like every woman i talk to, every woman i know, has a shitty history with fathers, whether they are their own fathers or the fathers of their children. okay not every woman but an alarming number of them. fathers who took off. fathers who fucked up. fathers who said they were going to do things and didn't. fathers who said they never would do things, and then did. fathers who became fathers and then seemed to lose interest in being fathers and just decided to stop doing that job. the problem is, being a parent is like being alive. once you are it, you don't stop being it as long as your child is still on the planet. however, lots of men seem to have missed that message.
so what's the deal with my father? well. without going into details, the long and short of it is that he made a promise to me about 9 months ago. about 5 months ago i acted on that promise, which seemed to be taking forever to be fulfilled and which i really needed to have fulfilled. at the same time, i reminded him that the promise had been made and told him i was going to act on it. about 2 weeks ago i reminded him that the promise had been made, i acted on it, and for the past 5 months i have been struggling to deal with the difficult situation i got myself into, thinking i'd have help getting out of it, since the help never materialized. tonight i received a response to my reminder. it was another promise of help, bracketed by on the one side, a reminder to me that i could have been more supportive during a time of difficulty in his life, and on the other side, an offer of professional advice about how to deal with the situation i find myself in, which i wouldn't have been in if he'd followed through with his original promise.
so. i have a passive-aggressive, unavailable father who doesn't know how to have a relationship with me and who fails to take responsibility for his role in that relationship. another man in my life, one whose role and relationship couldn't be more different, has shown me some real support and sympathy for my plight, and for the difficult job i face, extracting myself completely from this bad relationship with my father. but i told him, removing myself from my father's life won't actually be that hard, since at the best of times, our lives merely brush each other in passing. but even in writing this, i have a knot of sadness in my chest, realizing that i will miss having a father. i have always missed it.
the end.
posted by infobabe | 9:55 p.m.
9 Comments:
i, too, am struck at the number of women i know who have troubled relationships with their fathers-and its not just from your generation either.
i grew up in a pretty traditional family, i guess-my parents have been married for over 50 years-and all of us (kids and parents) are still talking to each other and all get together at least a couple times a month.
and yeah..being a dad is hard work, you know? but i can't imagine ever being anything else. its what i do.
darth, i thought of you as I was writing this post. You are one of the few men I know who do take a very active role in his family life, and who seems to get genuine joy out of it.
asada pointed out to me that women as well as men have increasingly opted to beg off their family responsibilities in favour of more, what? self-centred activities I suppose, though i believe the numbers of men still outstrips the women. he also said that since i am from a "broken home" and i have raised my daughter on my own, i will tend to have more friends in that situation, and so be more exposed to it.
sometime we have to learn what not to do, or how to be, from our parents, sadly.
Having recently mended (mended? that is *not* the right word) I mean, reconnected with my father after (as you know) a three year hiatus, I say you have to do what is right for your own emotional and mental health. Whatever that is. I'm glad to not have that weight of guilt and emptiness any more that I felt when I wasn't talking to my dad. I seem resigned to the nature of who he is now. He isn't the dad I would like. He is emotionally distant even when he's TRYING to be a "good dad". I dunno though, I don't mind so much now because I now see him for the (very) flawed human being his is. I realized the reason for most of the stress I had about my dad was that he constantly disappointed me. I totally glamorized him. Idolized him. I wanted to be his little girl, I wanted him to dote on me but he never did. He just doesn't have it in him. But I know he cried, really cried, that I was lost to him. Now, in spite of all that, he's just the same person he was before. I'm just not surprised by it any more. Funny, I'm glad I'm talking to him again, but I don't regret not talking to him for three years either. I had to do that for my own sanity, and I've returned to the relationship a more grounded, realistic and resigned person.
michael: Yes, my dad is nothing if not a cautionary tale. However, having an unsatisfying father didn't stop me from providing something not much better for my own daughter. But that's another post.
bella: Thanks for that. I know the sadness you've had and the work you've done for that relationship. I think I've been in denial about how emotionally crippled my dad is, and now I realize I can't respond to his blackmail tactics so I just have to let it go for a while. I feel much sadder about it than I thought I would.
I'm reading King Lear right now...
I haven't the foggiest idea what being a good Dad means, and I doubt I am being one anyway. I am completely lost at how to deal with my daughter right now.
My father is the best older brother a girl ever had. He's not my role model, but simply a guy who has made a lot of stupid mistakes (mostly with the best of intentions), has significant character flaws, who loves me. I accept what he gives me with joy when it comes, but I don't count on it when it's promised.
This is truly my perspective at this point, but it took a long time to get there. Divorced kid and all. Sunday Dad who showed up hours late or not all; promises broken; insecure Mom wondering how he got to be the good guy.
And don't get me started on my waste-of-space, fuckwit of a stepfather.
info - none of this stuff with your Dad is your lack. He just wasn't qualified for the job he was hired for. Don't break your own heart wishing for a relationship that was never possible.
xox
thanks hammygirl xox
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